Small by Lauren Spencer Smith

Lately I've been playing Small by Lauren Spencer Smith. If you know the song, you know what it means. I can't explain why but when I first heard the song, I felt validated. Like, my inner most thoughts and feelings have been turned into a song. And that I'm not the only going through it. Honestly, I think I have a good emotional support system. It's just that sometimes I can't help but feel the way I do. I follow influencers on Instagram that speak of body positivity, that every body is a beach body. I most expecially like this one foreign influencer that says "wear the dang outfit." Although, sometimes, the little voices in my head like to cause drama. And sometimes it's the voices from real people around me. I grew up being told that my legs, specifically my calves, are big for a girl. I was a TaeKwonDo student athlete. I've gained a few extra weight during the pandemic and have been told that certain clothes don't flatter me, etc. It saddens me because when I got up and decided to wear that specific type of clothing I initially felt good wearing it... Oh, well 😅 There would be times when I take the comment and just let it be because what else am I supposed to do right? It's not like I can take my clothes off in public. But sometimes my reaction is interpreted negatively. Misunderstood in a way that seem like I am not listening to their opinions or that I don't appreciate them for telling me when something doesn't look good. When I fact, I'm already feeling sh*tty deep down. That when I would speak, I know I would just end up crying. I have a gym subscription now and I know progress takes time. Just can't help but still feel sh*tty sometimes. I'm just allowing myself the kindness I know I deserve.