(Sensitive) IDK kung pano maging physically strong ulit

Hello guys! New here. First post ko rin ever kaya sensya na if it's medyo sensitive and weird. XD pero since HS kasi I've suffered through mental abuse from family, school, and classmates, along with physical abuse from my parents to the point na I no longer wanted to fight for myself. It's sad, but I was able to live through those and 'yong ideations of me h💔rming myself. Nung college ko naramdaman lahat ng kapalit ng pagtitiis kong kimkimin 'yong mga nangyari. I had no friends kasi my depression made me think na no one will be my friend. I've had romantic partners in the past, but di naman nakatulong coz they all wanted me to satisfy their manly needs. And I used to be such a good academic achiever, my mom would take pride in my achievements. Pero nung college, hirap na akong umintindi ng basic principles dahil my mind was too busy ruminating. Kaya ayan, I failed architecture school. Then I got so worse that my bf during that time chose to break up with me coz it's all too much for him. For weeks I wasn't able to get out of bed, eat decent food, or just even brush my teeth or take a bath. Dati akong nagwo-workout walang palya pero parang unti-unti akong nilalamon ng kung anoman 'tong lumalamon sa loob ko. Ngayon na I'm 25, I'm a freelancer and I live with my boyfriend sa isang 1BR apartment, and may dog kami and planning to adopt another one. Everything's great. Kaso natatalo na ako ng isip ko hhahah. It's so weird to say, but it hurts being empty inside. Like, may black hole sa loob ko na hindi talag mapupuno kahit anong gawin kong distractions, kahit anong goals ang iset ko and systems na i-create ko for myself. Kahit sa sarili ko man lang. Kaya ayun. I either overwork or not move an inch at all. I love nature walks, reading in parks and gardens, making art and designs in cafés, I absolutely enjoy volunteering, I handles a lot of clients sa dating business, and I love working with children. But I feel so betrayed by myself, kasi sinukuan na ako ng katawan ko long before I knew about it. Hindi na ako makakilos without my sciatica flaring up, every couple of weeks my shoulder would drive me crazy for not letting me have a comfortable position sa pag-upo and higa, 'yong costochondritis lumalabas kahit kaunting stress, and some other physical limitations na I just recently had. Life is tough, for sure. And I'm so terrified what will happen next. Pero how do I at least be able to have a little bit of glimpse of the end of this? I've been in agony for as long as I can remember. Everything hurts. #MentalHealth #feelfreetoASK #injuries

• Mentalhealth
• Physicalillness
• BPD