”Love is weird.“ - Johanna Mason
It really is. Been called "cold" or "heartless" but the moment it's my boyfriend, I go all lovey dovey, sappy, cheesy. I never do this with anyone else, not even my own family. I'm only affectionate towards him. When we were still best friends, my walls were constantly up and I always thought the worst in everything in the world. But he always made this dreary place so much better to live in with his presence. I realized that I was slowly falling in love with him. I hated it, the concept of falling in love, so much, not because of him, it's because at the time, I viewed myself as a person who isn't worth being loved. It became so unbearable that I went as far as lying to myself, trying to convenience myself that this feeling is just temporary. Guess what? This feeling is still with me now, almost 7 years later. There's times where I lie on the floor, wondering how he even had a crush on me back. I feel so conflicted. Him genuinely liking me for who I am?? Even now, I find that hard to believe. But I like him a lot... even when we're already together, I still get all these butterflies, these warm and comforting feelings that I've felt when I first had a crush on him. I can't let this self hatred sabotage our relationship, he's such an amazing man. It's like I'm a completely new person. Don't know why that is. Guess love really does transform people, huh? I do things like check up on him, send him stuff that reminds me of him, reference things from books that he can't understand, study and learn about his interests and hobbies so we can strike up conversations about it and I can see that glint and sparkle in his eyes when he talks about it. When he tells me about something that happened, first thing I ask for is the names or the descriptions of the people who hurt him. Bruh, I even call him my husband but we're still young and not even married yet. Is this what love is?? Heck, he doesn't even get fed up or annoyed at me. He straight up genuinely enjoys it?? He calls me his wife?? He just... tolerates my unstable self?? Well, he's my first, I'm his first, and I've never been in love before. He was my first crush too, so I literally have ZERO experience. Should I tone down my studying of his interests? Should I stop being so overly concerned for him? What is this feeling even about??? aifhsodnhrisjfvhejsbsjsgsjalehimjmmg Eh, I don't care what anybody says about us. In all realness, I love him so much and I wouldn't change a thing. The concept of love is so darn weird and confusing lmao