my story

Hi guys! Just asking lang ha – is it still normal na parati akong inaasar ng mga friends ko? Kasi even though I know sa sarili ko na masakit na yung mga sinasabi nila, like for example they’ll ask me “Are you doing drugs ba? Kasi ang payat mo naman, di ka tumataba eh.” Alam kong hindi naman ito meant to be a hurtful joke pero I just reply “Oo naman, bentahan kita – you want!” Hahaha funny right? Ganyan lagi yung reply ko. So here’s what happened recently – they invited me to drink, and I said yes kasi it’s been a long time din naman since we last saw each other so okay lang. But you know what? Nung napansin ko na, parang I’m being disrespected na talaga. Kasi okay lang naman mag-biruan, pero feeling ko hindi ko alam paano iexplain yung pagbabantaan ako tapos ilalapit pa nila yung kamao sa mukha ko – and there were other people there pa naman, including the suitor of one of my friends! I felt so embarrassed kasi when that happens, whatever I say parang mali ako. Kasi nga sila na yung pumunta sa bahay, dapat pala nag-chat na ako nung una pa lang kasi di ako pinayagan ni Mama – kahit na matanda na ako, hinihingi ko parin yung permiso niya. Tapos sasabihin nila sakin “If you don’t drink, this fist is gonna land on your face!” Even if they say it as a joke, the way they deliver the words is really scary and offensive. Or baka sensitive lang talaga ako kaya I feel hurt? We’ve been friends since 9th grade na, and they’ve always been like this to me. Sometimes when we’re together, okay lang naman – lots of laughing and teasing around. Pero there are times when I want to joke around with them din, I have to think muna if my joke is offensive or baka sila magtampo sa akin. They’ve said everything na to me, so I feel like I don’t have any choice but to just go with it para matapos na yung usapan. Parang nagti-tiptoe ka lang sa kanila, you know? Nasabi ko na din to sa kanila – umiyak pa ko nung umalis ako tapos hinabol ako ng isang friend ko, kinomport nya ko then nagkabati din kami. Pero feeling ko di naman talaga narinig ng lahat yung sinabi ko, parang walang nangyari lang tapos balik ulit sa dati. Ako pa yung nag-sorry – di ko nga alam bakit ako nag-sorry eh, e sa totoo lang naman, ganun lang ako mag-react dahil sa way nila magsalita sakin. Most of the time, I just want to go home na and don’t stay too long, even though I get so excited to see them. But why does it feel this way? Am I the one whose wrong here? Sometimes I feel so drained and tired, plus pag umaalis ako ng bahay, magagalit pa sa akin si Mama – which ends up as a reason for us to argue.   #confuse