3 AM thoughts pre-valentines

Wow. 5 years of negotiating and trying to earn love by showing love... Crying, begging, hoping and holding on. Until I had grieved, let go and died inside little by little. I am re-learning how to love. This time, starting with myself. I appreciate my sisters who taught me how to do make up and skincare properly again. But these quiet hours really have its way of creeping back doesn't it? It just feels so sad... But now? Somehow its not lonely, cold nor disappointing or disrespecting. It's the soft, warm and safe quiet that allows the sadness. I hope... My husband finds this kind of quiet in his heart too someday though I had to leave. I will give myself the flowers I have hoped to receive at least once in our five years of tremulous marriage.