Being a Narcissist

There was a time I started to wonder if maybe I was the problem. I had heard the word “narcissist” so often that I began to question myself. Was I too self-centered? Too protective of my own feelings? Was I shutting people out and not even noticing? But underneath all those questions, I think what I was really asking was, “Am I still good? Am I still someone who can be loved?” The truth is, I’ve worn masks too. I’ve hidden behind confidence I didn’t really feel. I’ve acted distant when I was actually hurting. I’ve tried to stay in control because deep down, I was scared of losing myself. But the fact that I even question these things, the fact that I sit alone at night reflecting on whether I’ve hurt someone without meaning to, I think that says something about my heart. I think it means I care more than I know how to show sometimes. I’ve felt guilt grip me in the silence after a conversation, wondering if I said the wrong thing. I’ve caught myself shutting down instead of opening up, not because I didn’t feel, but because I felt too much. Healing, for me, is starting to look like honesty. It’s when I stop trying to win every argument and start asking what the other person needs. It’s when I stop defending myself out of fear and start choosing to be vulnerable instead. I know I’ve made mistakes. I know I’ve hurt people, even when I didn’t mean to. But I also know I’m learning. And I want to keep learning. Because I don’t want to stay guarded forever. I want to be real. I want to be loved for who I am, not for the masks I’ve learned to wear. 💐

• Self-reflection
• healing