Too Much, On Purpose

Sometimes I keep myself busy on purpose. Not the productive kind of busy more like the scrolling through five apps at once while a podcast plays in the background and I’m half writing a to-do list I’ll never finish kind of busy. It’s not that I’m that interested in what I’m doing. I think I just panic a little when things get too quiet. Because silence makes space. And space makes room for feelings. And feelings are complicated. So I pile on distractions until I’m overstimulated but somehow still untouched. Full of noise, but disconnected. Like I’m buffering through my own life. But I’m starting to realize: quiet isn’t out to get me. It’s just been waiting patiently, holding all the stuff I’ve been too scared to face. And maybe, the thing I’ve been avoiding is actually something I need to hear.

• Distraction
• Purposeful
• Scared